...like a bolt of lightning

[Your Uncle Sam]

                            MICHELLE ATHENS

                              GUEST AUTHOR

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Proverbs 3: 11-12 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

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It was 4 A.M. and I was on my knees in the dark, face to the floor and forehead pressed against the brown cover of my bible. I was feeling guilty about spending time with ungodly friends, dabbling in those familiar destructive behaviors I’d left behind when I began this Christian walk. That old Michelle was beginning to rise up in me again. I begged God to save me from myself. Through my tears, I plead with Him to do anything it would take to get me back on track, do anything that brought my focus back to Him.

Eighteen hours later, I was in an ambulance headed to Memorial Hospital where I would undergo emergency surgery to remove my appendix. I was terrified. At that time of my life, I was afraid of most things and death was at the top of the list. All rational thinking, faith, or peace had evaporated in a sweltering fear when the doctor revealed I would need immediate surgery. Even while my husband and I were being reassured by the staff that it was a safe routine surgery, I was positive that I would be dead in a few hours. I was in a blind panic, desperate to remember every detail of my last interaction with my children. Had I kissed them good night? Annie was still just a toddler. She wouldn’t even remember me. Why had I been so consumed with chores that day instead of taking them to the park when they’d asked? Would Bill remarry? Would she love him and my children the way I did? Better than I had?

I wept in my hospital bed, frantically thumbing through my bible, praying for a promise that God would not make, a promise that I could not hear. The words on the page were flat, empty symbols and offered none of the solace they’d generously given in the past. God was silent. He was withdrawn. It seemed He’d abandoned me, leaving me in total darkness, alone. Finally, they wheeled me away and I gave myself over to the anesthesia, still silently praying for God to show up.

My first thought when my consciousness re-surfaced was, I’m alive; sweet relief. I lived. I saw my husband leaning over my bed in the recovery room, smiling at me. I was groggy and thirsty but I’d survived. He offered me some ice chips and I gratefully accepted. I closed my eyes and dove back down into the depths of restful unconsciousness.

Later that day, once I was established in my room, my home for the next 24 hours, Bill left to relieve my parents of their baby sitting duties. Alone in the quiet of my room, I replayed the night in my mind. I looked at my bible on the night stand next to the bed. I reached for it but kept it in my lap unopened. It sat heavy on my thighs like a boulder. Thank you God for not making me die, but what happened to you last night? Where were you?

His words hit me like a bolt of lightning. " You wanted me to refocus your heart. I showed you what life is without Me. "

In an instant, I understood it all; the horror of uncertainty, the helpless desperation of having nothing to cleave to, the bleak dark intimidation of facing circumstance without a savior, without a hero. All at once the betrayal melted into gratitude. I was in awe of how He loved me enough to discipline me; that He wouldn’t let me slip away easily. I realized that nothing was more important or valuable than the presence of God. Not friendships, not alcohol or cigarettes, not even my family can provide the security and peace that comes in Him.

I choose you God, only you, first and foremost above everything. Strengthen me in times of my physical and spiritual weakness so that I can rise up against any distractions that would cause my focus to stray. Help me to always feel your glorious loving presence. In Jesus name, Amen.

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[Katy]

Thank you for reminding me~

[PHILIP SCHNEIDER]

Thank you Michelle.

[Kathryn Ball]

Dear Michelle,

Once again, thank you for sharing. You have a wonderful gift in your ability to put life's events, tests, traumas into words.......and they all return to God and His word.

Your gift enables you to paint a verbal picture of the path we should all pursue............

God Bless

Kate