THE SUNDAY FUNNIES 04-18-10

[Your Uncle Sam]

THE SUNDAY FUNNIES

18 APRIL 2010

(BLACK & WHITE, VERBAL VERSION)

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FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THIS

IN THE COMMENTS SECTION...

.....(WHERE ELSE?)

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SENIOR QUESTIONS,
WITH "CORRECT" SENIOR ANSWERS:

Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement, or build a sail boat. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN:

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.'

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

ANIMAL LOVER

(You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One. You don't even have to like 'em.)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

(Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.')

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b***ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car...

FINANCIER

Michael was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

NO BULL SHOTS

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
—Franklin P. Jones

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination."
—Mark Twain

"*You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
* You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
* You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
* You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
* You cannot build character and courage by destroying men's initiative and independence.
* And you cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves."
—William J. H. Boetcker

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
—Blaise Pascal

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
—George Carlin

"Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately."
—Scott Adams

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee."
—Sir Alec Issigonis

''Life's tough—it's even tougher if you're stupid.''
—John Wayne

"Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."
—Mahatma Gandhi

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly."
—Robert Heinlein

"A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool."
—Joseph Roux

"Some people seem as if they can never have been children, and others seem as if they could never be anything else."
—George D. Prentice

Well, that's it for today, kids!!

What's that?

"Where are the PICTURES?"

O.K., O.K....but just one today

[PHILIP SCHNEIDER]

Two Different Versions.... ........... ....
Two Different Morals




OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood..

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

[John Burroughs]

What goes hah, hah, ha, ...PLOP?

someone laughing their ass off

[Jane Smith]

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROTTWEILER WITH A COLLIE?

A dog that will bite your arm off then run get help

[LON RANGER]

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate to Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

[Lynn O]

Thank You kindly for the wonderful laughter that you have bestowed on me. It was great, and I deeply appreciated it. Laughter makes the world go round.