Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha Interviews CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams)

[Sandra]

Impotent Missouri River Politicians on Missouri River Flood

Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha Interviews CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams)

 
 - William Kevin Stoos  Monday, July 18, 2011

- Satire

As the Missouri floodwaters destroy or damage hundreds of homes and businesses, degrade infrastructure, close major highways, and cause untold needless disruption of human lives­even approaching beautiful Wynstone, SD, headquarters of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate and home of Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha­Hugh was dispatched to investigate the matter. His mission: to interview Missouri River politicians and the Chief of the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) of Engineers to see what they have done to save those remaining homes that have not yet been destroyed or damaged by the outrageously high floodwaters released by the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) during the past two months.

As Missouri River politicians parachuted into the flooded areas from Sioux City, Iowa to Wynstone, South Dakota, to climb onto levees, press in tow, in order to ensure a good photo op prior to the next election, Hugh­Chief of the Man-Made Disaster Bureau of Stoos Views International and winner of MSNBC’s 2011 “Most Respected Name In Journalism,” award, was there to greet them. In an effort to learn exactly what these elected representatives intended to do for their submerged constituents, Hugh interviewed them as they stood atop levees shaking their heads in mock empathy for those victims of the flood. His report follows.

Rep. Steve King of Iowa volunteered: “Geeze, this could not have been anticipated,” apparently forgetting that: everyone in Iowa, North Dakota, and South Dakota shoveled record amounts of Global Warming from their driveways last winter; the snow pack in the Great Northwest reached epic proportions; and, it had to melt sometime. Unwilling to criticize the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams), King instead sought to excuse that bureaucracy’s incompetence and failure to anticipate that which everyone in the Midwest has anticipated for the past 6 months. Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa weighed in with similar pabulum, noting “Geeze, I hope this does not happen in the future­we need to revise our plans,” also failing to go on record as criticizing the Corps or doing anything to pressure the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) to reduce its killer release rates that are currently causing massive destruction downstream. Rep. Kristi Noem of South Dakota, offered similarly unhelpful remarks, noting “Geeze, there is a lot of water here and we need to get rid of it,” as if no one in the flood zone understood this already. Senator John Thune of South Dakota, offered: “I am going to run for President some day; when I do, I might do something about this so it does not happen again. Meanwhile I need to get some more pictures taken here­could you please move over a little?” When pressed by Hugh to state what he is going to do for the potential voters in ten states who might vote for him if he took the lead and implored the Corps (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) to reduce the flow rates so others not yet flooded could be saved, he extended his hand and replied, “Good to meet you, have a nice day,” before climbing back into his limo. By far the most ineffectual politician of them all­Senator Tom Harkin of Iowa­climbed atop a levee for a photo session, then ambled down to offer his take on the matter: ”The CORPS is doing just a swell job. This is just all about Global Warming, but at least we have saved the plover and the pallid sturgeon.” When asked what he called the 1.5 times normal snow pack in the Northwest last winter which the Corps (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) did not realize might melt some day, Harkin responded: “That was just a stray pocket of Global Cooling, that could not have been anticipated” and walked away as befuddled reporters looked on.

After the Missouri River politicians departed, leaving their constituents to try to save their homes and families from the unceasing record releases by the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams), and failing to obtain even one pledge from any of them that they might prevail upon the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) to reduce their release levels, Hugh was dispatched to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Headquarters to meet with the head of the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams), General Ben Dover. Dover, who just arrived in the States after a tour as commander of a clandestine interrogation unit in Bahrain, and specialist in water torture, had little time for his visitor.

“Well, what do you want to discuss?” the cigar chomping General asked abruptly.

“Thanks for your time, Sir. I just wanted to know when you intend to reduce the release rates so those folks downstream who are increasingly threatened by the high releases right now can yet be saved.”

“The answer is, whenever I damn well please,” the General replied, grinning widely. “No one tells the Corps what to do. We have a mandate.”

“Which is?”

“To protect the plover by holding back water so they can hatch out, then releasing huge amounts of water so that we fool the pallid sturgeon into thinking it is time to spawn.”

“What about the thousands of people downstream who have lost their homes or still may do so when these hastily constructed sandbag levees degrade and we have new flooding?”

“Well, they will just have to grin and bear it. After all, they had four days’ notice that we were going to flood the Hell out them,” he chuckled, “what more do they want?”

“I noticed that the last few days your release rates have actually exceeded the 160,000 cfs that you promised would never be exceeded,” Hugh noted.

Chuckling, the General replied: “Oh, that…it’s sort of like, ‘I’m with the government and I am here to help you,’ or ‘Your check’s in the mail,’ or ‘I will respect you in the morning,’ you know­one of the world’s great lies.”

“In other words…”

“In other words, we are going to do whatever the Hell we want to,” Dover replied, “we answer to no one.”

“You know, even dropping the release rate right now to 140,000 cfs or 150,000 cfs will save homes, businesses, and roads that are as yet not flooded.” Hugh replied.

“Tough cookies,” the General replied, “they will just have to build their dikes higher till we are good and damn well ready to drop the river level.”

“Have any of the Missouri River politicians tried to persuade you to reduce the release rates right now in order to help the folks downstream?”

“Not a one­besides, they are just elected officials more worried about a photo op than helping their constituents. They are a dime a dozen. Me... I have this job for life or whenever I decide to retire, so I could care less what those pin stripers think about this­even if they tried to get me to do something­which they haven’t. Washington thinks I am doing a great job, despite the fact that we missed the ball on that snow pack up there in Montana.”

“So what do I tell the public that their government is going to do to alleviate this situation?” Hugh asked meekly.

“Tell them to bend over,” he replied, slapping his knee, and chuckling, “‘cause it ain’t gonna’ feel good.”

With that Hugh thanked the General for his time and exited the room, whereupon the General handed him a complimentary bottled water.

Copyright (c) 2011 William Kevin Stoos

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