I'm running for President in 2012 and I'm going to DIVIDE the country in HALF

[PHILIP SCHNEIDER]

 

Dear American liberals,  leftists, social progressives, socialists,  Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:  
We have  stuck together since the late 1950's for the  sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest  election process has made me realize that I want  a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for  many years for the sake of future generations,  but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its  course.


Our two ideological  sides of America cannot and will not ever agree  on what is right for us all, so let's just end  it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it  up to irreconcilable differences and go our own  way.


Here is a model separation  agreement:
--Our two  groups can equitably divide up the country by  landmass each taking a similar portion. That  will be the difficult part, but I am sure our  two sides can come to a friendly agreement.  After that, it should be relatively easy! Our  respective representatives can effortlessly  divide other assets since both sides have such  distinct and disparate  tastes.

--We don't like  redistributive taxes so you can keep  them.
--You are  welcome to the liberal judges and the  ACLU.
--Since you  hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the  cops, the NRA and the military.
--We'll  take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can  go with wind, solar and biodiesel.    
--You can  keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell.  You are, however,  responsible for finding  a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all  three of them.


--We'll keep  capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical  companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.  
--You can  have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers,  food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies,  druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll  keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's  and rednecks.
--We'll  keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.  


--You can make nice with Iran  and Palestine and we'll retain the right to  invade and hammer places that threaten  us.
--You can  have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our  allies or our way of life are under assault,  we'll help provide them security. 

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian  values.
--You are  welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism,  political correctness and Shirley McClain. You  can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be  paying the bill.


--We'll keep  the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury  cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon  you can find.


--You can give  everyone healthcare if you can find any  practicing doctors.
--We'll  continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and  not a right.
--We'll  keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic"  and "The National Anthem."  
--I'm sure  you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine",  "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba  Ya" or "We Are the World".  

--We'll practice trickle  down economics and you can continue to give  trickle up poverty your best shot.

--Since  it often so offends you, we'll keep our history,  our name and our flag.

 

Would you  agree to this?   If so, please pass it  along to other like-minded liberal and  conservative patriots and if you do not agree,  just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly  parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us  will need whose help in 15 years.  


Sincerely,


John   J. Wall


Law Student and an  American

P.S. Also, please take  Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara  Streisand, &  Jane  Fonda  with  you.



P.S.S.  And you won't  have to press 1 for English when you call our  country.

I'm going to appoint the above John J. Wall law student as my chief of staff. Are there any other volunteers willing to kick some liberal ass?

PWS